You did not expect to have to feel this way again. Not after so long.
But you did. And that’s okay. That’s because you’re only human.
The past few years must have been full of so many ups and downs, at extreme altitudes. I’m happy for your achievements so far and how far you’ve come. Please don’t forget to give yourself a pat on the back. But I also know that a tiny bit of that source of happiness and motivation came from something, or someone who should no longer be in your equation ages ago.
I know you’re just trying to prove to yourself something. But my dear, you don’t have to prove anything to yourself. You don’t have to prove your ability to love because you truly can. And a love this sincere, pure and deep, if you may have it. I have absolutely no doubt about that.
So what if you have done certain things, when you’re not in the best/right state of mind then, that may have been embarrassing, weak, or crazy as some people would say. You were not in the right state of mind.
“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.” – Friedrich Nietzsche
That was perhaps only that few fleeting moments of a part of you, not the entire, other great parts of a bigger you. And there was no way you could control yourself then. Because I know how bombarded and confused your mind was then. I know it’s the worst feeling ever and I know you hate being confused and you rather have the cold hard truth than the vague ambiguity that misleads and give others that cruel slow death. If people suffers from claustrophobia, I think this feeling is your equivalent of it.
So stop blaming yourself and stop torturing yourself.
You’ve been so soft-hearted that you reflect about things a lot, admit your weaknesses, then try to emphathise with others, and then you forgive and forget! In fact you’ve grown to be so quick to forgive and forget, especially around relationships which you truly cherish and will not risk anything to threaten it… that sometimes people may mistake that as your weakness to be exploited on. But you know very well, girl, no? That’s not your weakness. That’s your strength. It just means you can see the bigger picture better now and know what’s truly more important. That you’re readily putting down what’s not important quickly in exchange for what truly do.
I don’t know how to comfort you, nor do I dare to make promises that all this will be over. But you’ve survived and stood back up on your own two feet before. If nobody told you that, let me tell you how incredibly proud I am for you. Remember, you have friends who told you how strong they think you are. Even though you quickly deny and brush it off. Time will tell your strength my dear.
Go ahead and cry if you need. Shed all those tears that have been bottled up for so long while you were already wobbling, but trying with great effort to be strong. Shed these tears till they dry. Till all the heavy weight in your heart dissipates.
I know you feel that nobody should ever deserve to treat another person the way you were treated. And I know you’ve once forgiven this too because you understand that people are young and when it’s their first time they tend to make mistakes. But just remember that this is what it is.
“Maybe it’s our love that was so strong that it suffocates the other.” How aptly put by a friend isn’t it?
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” – C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
Another beautiful quote by the same friend, isn’t it?
So no regrets, and no blaming yourself anymore, girl. You should feel proud that you’re capable of genuine love, in a world that is in deep need of it. You should hold your head up high because precisely because you can love, you also have the gift of forgiveness, to those who deserves it.
I sincerely wish that what you’ve gone through, will make you a stronger, more optimistic and more loving woman inside out. She will be the kind of woman who truly appreciates what it means to be happy, for life, and can still bring herself to smile amidst adversities.
“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still find it a beautiful place.” – Iain Thomas
Frodo : I can’t do this, Sam.
Sam : I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are.
It’s like in the great stories Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy. How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad happened.
But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow.
Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why.
But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now.
Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t.
Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo : What are we holding on to, Sam?
Sam : That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.
If you can love the “wrong” one so much, imagine the greater things that can happen when you do finally meet the right one.
I’m sorry your first day of work ended like this. But happy first day of work pj! (Don’t forget how happy you were the entire day!) May this remind you of the bigger picture from time to time and that your problems are actually much smaller than you see them to be.
And finally my last words to you that I never had the courage to say to you before: The very boy who held your hand first may had been the exact same boy who let go of your hand first (too) and walked away at the end. You may say that if only ………. then all these would probably not have happened. Had you not given him the chance to love you… then you wouldn’t be hurt too. But always remember, he has absolutely no right to insult and disrespect you because he wouldn’t even be able to do that had you not given him the chance to love you. So if he does, in any way, insult/degrade/disrespect you, you know what it means don’t you?
But woman, despite all these, I’m still very glad that you plucked up courage and took a leap of faith in this messy realm called love, to love someone the best you could… despite the odds.
You’ve got to admit. It was pure like a white flower, innocent, sincere and genuine like the eyes of water. And you know it’s a once-in-a-lifetime special kind of love for yourself. You can’t say the same for him because things have changed, who knows if he will be a man of his words?
On hindsight, maybe it had been a wrong choice, maybe you should have said no when you obviously didn’t see it coming so quickly. But know that now you have made it right for yourself. In a grander scheme of things.
Time it took for Dobby and Smeagol to be free: 2 Years 5 months
We are free.
Lots & lots of love,